megsandroses:

huge thanks to @justholdinghandsok for helping me, as always.

It’s hard to remember all the moments of your life. You know there were plenty of good, happy and funny memories that you wish you could keep in your head. Sometimes they are being crowded by all those sad moments that bring tears to your eyes. And suddenly you forget what your favorite flowers smell like, you can’t recognize the nice taste of black coffee and you don’t know what it’s like to fall asleep in his strong and protective arms. You get lonely and scared and you don’t remember what it feels like to be happy. Suddenly, you remember the moment of pure suffering and you’re afraid it will come back when you don’t expect it.

David is standing next to you, you feel his scent on your body, he softly touches you, he’s smiling at you and he’s the most adorable man you’ve ever met on this planet. You want to melt in his arms, you want to feel his scent forever, you don’t ever want to go away. You don’t know him that much but you feel like you know all of him. And honestly, you can’t wait for  all those years you’re about to spend with him. You know he isn’t just another co-star. You know you will never forget him. Somehow, you already know that he’ll be a huge part of your life and that it’s never gonna change.

An interviewer asks the question and you barely hear it but you slowly start falling for david’s soft voice. You hear him say your name and you know you’re in love.

“I’ve spent more time with Gillian than anybody in my whole life, I could say, aside from my parents. I guess, you know… you gotta be careful… somebody could get hurt…” he says and keeps looking at you, you can feel it. You’re smiling but deep down you’re scared because you know he’s right. You know somebody will get hurt. And somehow, you’re so sure it’s gonna be you. So you smile and mouth “me”.

From that moment, you pray every night that it’s not gonna be you.

But it is. When he breaks up and you find out he’s getting married – that’s when you know it. That’s when you find out what it feels like to have a heart ripped out from your chest. You stay in your trailer for some time and you cry your heart out, and you wish you didn’t feel any pain. You wish you didn’t feel anything at all. You want to leave the show, leave the country, get away as far as you can, so you don’t have to see his face. So you don’t have to talk to him.

It hurts even more when he doesn’t realize how much you’re suffering. When he comes to your trailer and talks to you like nothing happened. When he plays with your daughter and falls asleep with her in your bed. When you don’t have the heart to wake him up and throw him out and you end up on your uncomfortable couch where you used to spend hours kissing him. It hurts so damn much when you realize you can’t hate him after all. And you’re stuck with him forever.

When you meet him after a few years, you know he’s changed. He has two children now but his marriage isn’t doing well. You can see he isn’t happy. He’s slightly depressed, a little bit lonely and so tired. You think he may fall asleep on you when you read lines for a second movie. At some point, you forget about the damn aliens and you talk about your lives. You tell him you’re trying for another baby and he says he’s getting  divorced. Even though you know he’s gonna hurt you again, you want to do everything you can to ease his pain. So you kiss him, you let him use you and it feels so damn good even if you know it’s  bad.

You both realize that you can’t live without each other. He calls you at night and he’s drunk. He’s begging you to leave Mark and give him another chance. He apologizes for all his mistakes, he takes the whole blame and he promises you the world. Your heart breaks because you know you’re not strong enough to resist him. You try and try again, but you know he’s right – he’s the one for you.

You don’t even realize you’re crying. You’re sobbing quietly while trying to remember why you fell for him in the first place. What was it that brought you together?

He comes back to bed and freezes for a second, looking at you crying. you smile weakly and swipe away the tears like you want to assure him nothing’s going on. But he knows better. He sits and holds you in his arms. But you cry even more. He doesn’t have to say anything – he loves you and he’ll stay until you stop crying. He’s never gonna leave you again.

“I’m scared David” you whisper, and your voice, just like your whole body, is shaking. You look into his eyes and he frowns. “I keep forgetting all the good memories and all I remember is the pain. I remember how you hurt me and I’m so fucking scared you’re gonna do it again.”

“Do you honestly believe I’m going to hurt you?” he asks softly, and you don’t know. “I hope you can see I’ve changed. I know I’ve hurt you more than anybody else and I know  I’m the biggest idiot in this world. I honestly have no idea why you’re here, why you forgave me and  why you gave me another chance, but God, I’m so happy. You’re my happiness, Gillian, and this is it for me, I’m not backtracking, I’m not leaving you ever again. I love you too damn much to do it again. And you feel too good to be lonely again. You have to believe me.”

“I believe you” you say but you’re still crying. You don’t even feel like ever stopping. “But you’ve said that once already, and you left.”

“I don’t regret marrying Tea and having kids with her.” he says, seriously. “But God, I regret hurting you and breaking your heart. I’ve started regretting it the moment I left you, back then. I truly loved you and I never stopped. Seeing you suffering was the worst thing I could experience and I wanted to kill myself for doing that to you. But I chose to deny everything. I’ve decided to act like I didn’t care, while I was slowly dying inside. Gillian, I know I don’t deserve you, but I’ve learnt my lesson and I know how much I love you. And I can’t lose you again because it would kill me. please don’t leave me.”

“That’s the thing David, I can’t leave you. I never could” you kiss him hard on his lips and you smile against his mouth. “I don’t know what’s that but there’s something about you that drives me crazy and I can’t leave you despite how much I’m suffering. I think I’m addicted to you.”

“Then we’re in this together” he tells you and kisses all the tears away. “And even if that’s gonna kill us, we’re in this together. you and me, okay?”

“Okay.”

You remember now. You remember all those good and happy moments that you’ve spent with him. You wonder how you knew all those years ago that you were going to get hurt but then you think that you haven’t realized he’s been suffering too. And maybe he’s right that this addiction called love is slowly killing you but you’re in this together and there’s no other place you’d rather be.