megsandroses:

nothing christmassy but i thought i could finally post this little one. thanks @justholdinghandsok for checking this for me years ago ❤️

it never goes as
planned. you may think you prepared yourself for the worst during those weeks,
but it’s not true. you thought you were resistant  to pain but it only hurt more. you thought
you can’t have your heart broken again when the pieces of it are still making
you bleed. but there you go – your body aches and your heart breaks yet again. the pain is unbearable this time. you just want to cry and pray to god for the
pain to go away. you’re not ready for it, you don’t want to suffer like that. it’s simply too much.

but nobody gave you any
warning and now you have to stand here, in the middle of the set and looking at
her. her beautiful eyes that shine when someone makes her laugh. and that
beautiful smile when she’s passing someone. you wish you could hate her but
just one simple look and you’re lost. you’re all hers and that’s your worst
nightmare. you can’t even fight it because you know you will lose again. you’re
a damn loser at this game so you just wish she could stop playing.

you want to disappear
before she notices you but it’s too late. her blue eyes lay on you and she
gives you that damn smile. you’re lost again.

before you can blink,
she’s standing right next to you with her palm on your chest. she can
definitely feel your strong and fast heartbeat because she frowns and takes her
hand back. you already feel cold. when you decide to look at her, she gives you
another smile; this time it’s full of sadness and pity. you can’t stand it.

“what?” you ask and she
opens her eyes wider. she doesn’t say a word, just keeps staring at you. you’re
almost sure you can see the tears in her eyes. you try to shake off this
feeling and smile at her instead. “i’m tired. wanna grab some coffee? go for a
walk?”

you don’t get lucky this
time when you hear her phone ring. you both look at the caller’s id and frown. she looks at you one last time and mumbles “i’m sorry” before picking it up and
leaving you in the middle of the set alone.

you sigh and walk back
to your trailer. it’s true though: you’re all alone.

days pass by and you
try, try so hard, so fucking hard to be good, you pretend to be good. but you
know you’re not good enough and every night after a long day of shooting, you
just sit and drink and cry and hope for a better tomorrow.

she keeps coming to your
trailers when she can’t fall asleep. you lay in your bed, cuddle and talk about
everything. you ask if she’s happy and she describes you her new life. you
don’t even feel jealous, when she talks of him. you did at first but now you
don’t. you don’t feel jealous, you don’t feel angry, not even sad.

the problem is you feel
nothing.

you don’t even realize
when something changes. one second you hold her in your arms while she’s crying
and cursing him for being such an asshole, and suddenly she’s kissing you and
leaves you breathless. you’re laying naked in your bed and looking at her as
she moves her hips around your dick. you’re lost, you don’t know how that
happened and why does it feel so wrong when it feels so right.

“gillian” you whisper at
first but she doesn’t hear you, she keeps moving and moaning and crying and now that makes you sad. you start
feeling something and that’s worse than feeling nothing. “gillian” you try
again, louder this time. you keep staring at her, begging her with your eyes to
hear you. “please…”

she doesn’t stop, she’s
moving even faster and when she comes she lays on your chest and leaves kisses
on your neck.

“you feel so good” she
tells you and smiles against your skin. and you really wanna feel good but it’s
hard. you keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong, that you’re not
ruining anything but deep inside you just know that she’s gonna regret it. but
she clearly isn’t now. “i love your smell, you know?”

you do know but you
don’t want to admit that. you know that whatever you say will lead to argument
and at some point she’s gonna cry again. and you’re gonna be a reason for her
tears.

so you say nothing and
just gets ready for a second round. you fuck her, kiss her and listen to her
until she gets dressed and leaves your trailer with a soft and sad “thank you”.

that keeps happening
until she makes up with him. you’re just her friend again, just a heartbroken
co-star that she once fucked. just another loser.

you keep writing her
letters, that makes you feel a bit better, makes your pain go away for a brief
moment. it’s like pressing your temples when having a headache. it goes away
for a moment and then comes back with twice bigger pain. you’ve learnt to
accept that. maybe you were born to suffer. and maybe, one day, you’ll stop
crying.

maybe you won’t feel a
thing.

you wish you could learn
faster because when you see her with him, you wanna cry again. you close your
eyes and think of a happy place, of anything at all that doesn’t include him
touching her, kissing her, marking her as his. you think of your kids and how
happy they are with their lives, think of tea who’s never been happier. you try
to imagine your happy place next to them but she keeps coming to your mind and
you can’t help it anymore.

she’s your happy place.

she’s your home.

your everything.

when he leaves her side,
you decide to not waste the time. you come to her and she smiles at you. she’s
so beautiful, like a dream, a walking pure perfection. you can’t stop your
thoughts, she’s always on your mind.

“hey, dave” she says
softly and it’s so sweet it makes your heart melt. scratch heart. those broken
pieces are melting. “is everything okay? you look nervous.”

“i am nervous” you say
and chuckle, trying to stay cool. you can’t control your heart and your
sweating hands but maybe you can control your words. you’ve always been good
with them, words is your strong side. “i’m nervous about the next scene, it’s
important, you know, i just wanna be good. i don’t wanna fuck it up and…” you
see him approaching so you just say it. because it’s now or never. “i fucked it
up. us. i fucked us up. i know it’s all my fault and you don’t have any reason
at all to believe me but i regret it. i regret every single promise i’ve
broken, every single word i’ve said that hurt you. i’ve never mean to hurt you. it’s always the worst when you hurt someone you love and i did and i’m so
sorry. i am…”

“david, it’s okay” she
interrupts you, putting her palm on your arm. she smiles again but you can’t
stop seeing this sadness in her eyes. you shake your head because it’s not
okay, it’s never gonna be okay if you’re not together.

“i love you, gillian”
you finally say that and she sighs. she’s not even looking at you, she’s
turning around to see him standing near. he doesn’t look happy but you don’t
care. it’s not his time. he’s gonna have his moment later – now it’s all about
you and her. “gillian, listen to me. please, just hear me out.”

she nods and looks at
you again. this time around you smile.

“i love you so fucking
much, gill.” you’re so sure your heart is gonna rip through your chest. “i love
every single detail about you. your freckles and wrinkles, your nose and ears. every. little. thing. even when you annoy the shit of out of me, i keep loving
you more and more. and it’s sick. you make me feel the things i’ve never
thought i would. you challenge me and make me wanna do good things in life. you’re everything i want and if i can’t have you, i’m gonna go crazy. i can’t
live without you because you’re my life. my whole world. my everything. and i know i fucked it up before but i’m not doing that again. i’m done being stupid
and i hope you can see that. because it’s always been you.”

“david…”

“i’m not finished.” she’s crying now but you can’t stop. she has to know everything. “so here i am. asking for another chance. not for me, because that would be selfish. i’m
asking you to take that chance for us. because we love us. we were made for
each other and you can’t deny  it. i’m
gonna keep telling you that i love you until you say it back.”

“dave.”

“i love you.”

“david…”

“i love you.”

“but…”

“there’s no but. i love
you without any buts.” she sighs and you smile. “but for a record: i love your
butt.”

“that’s not fair” she
whispers and you know that she’s having second thoughts. you wish you were a
better man and let her go but you can’t. you’re stupid and helpless and crazy
about one woman your whole life. “i’m with…”

“i know” you interrupt
her again simply because you don’t want to hear his name. It makes you sick. “i know everything. but still, i’m asking for another chance. i’m asking you to
pick me. choose me and i’m gonna spend the rest of my life proving to you that
you made a good decision. i’m hopelessly and magically in love with you and i will never stop loving you or stop reminding you that you’re everything to me. so it’s your choice, it can be simple. me or him. you have to do something
about it.”

you can’t watch her go
and be with him so you just turn around, call brick and you both disappear in
your trailer.

you don’t know what to
do about yourself. you go for a walk, call your kids, play with brick, write
another letter to her, play some songs, meditate. nothing makes it better,
nothing makes a pain go away. you just gotta see her.

when you decide to walk
out of your trailer, there’s a soft knock on a door. you open it without
thinking and as you look at her, it takes your breath away.

she’s standing there,
your petite beautiful girl with a magical smile and sparkling eyes and she
bites her lip to stop from laughing out loud.

“what are you doing
here?” you ask her as she steps closer. the smile doesn’t go away.

“you said you love me…” she closes the door behind her and puts her arms around your neck to bring your
face closer to hers. your lips are just inches apart and you’re about to faint.
“and you told me to do something about it…” she kisses you behind your ear and
smiles yet again. “so I am.”

so she is.

your whole world.

your everything.