you just have to wait…

megsandroses:

(i’m sorry about all the mistakes, i hope you’ll like it)

at first you call your life pathetic. you stay in your
trailer all day long, just to sit on a couch or lay on a bed and drink. drink
so much it hurts. you want to get drunk and forget everything that’s been
happening lately. you want to lose your memory like you lose your mind every
single time you see her. as you open another bottle of wine, you hear her
voice. you have no idea whether it’s real or only in your head but you don’t
really care. her voice is so soft  and
nice and her laughter makes you smile. when it was you and her you were always
trying to make her laugh. trying a little too hard maybe. you drink and you
drink and you drink as her voice slowly fades away and now you’re sure it’s
been real because in your head it doesn’t go
away.

she’s happy. you can see it in her eyes, or at least
you’re pretending to see it and trying to leave her alone. all you want to do
is take her away and make love to her, just like you used to a few weeks ago. you
want to tell her all those little things you hadn’t gotten to say. you want to
make her understand it all, dump him and fall in your arms. like in a fucking
romantic movie.

you walk out of your trailer, sit at the stairs and
light up a cigarette. nasty habit, which isn’t even your habit. you inherited
it from her. she made you smoke, she made you enjoy the taste of the cigarette.
or maybe you just still imagine that her lips touched it first?

once again you fucked it up. you’ve tried so many
times before and failed but you didn’t learn your lesson. someone would call
you tough and brave for not giving up but you know that you’re just a loser who’s
trying to get something back that was never yours. how pathetic…

you see as the door of her trailer opens and she steps
out. it’s pretty late and you’re surprised to see her awake, usually she only
stays up when she’s taking care of her daughter and now she’s with her father. she
looks at you and smiles. it’s a very small and very sad smile so you don’t even
answer that with the same gesture. you just nod and hand her a pack of
cigarettes, which she accepts and sit right next to you. her naked thigh is
touching yours and you can’t focus on anything else. you both sit quietly, she
lights up her cigarette and looks up at the dark sky like she’s looking for
something. maybe those faded stars that she once saw in your eyes.

“how are you?” she asks you quietly, like she’s scared
of her own voice. but it’s enough for you because you love her whispering. generally
you love her but you don’t want to admit it, even to yourself. “i haven’t seen
you in a while.”

it’s because i’ve been avoiding you, you want to say
but your mouth says nothing. you just keep staring at the door where she was
just minutes ago and you recall all those moments she was trying to get to her
trailer unseen from a fucking marathon with you. you smile as you see her in
your memory running half naked from your trailer and laughing out loud, while
you’re throwing her a skirt she left at your floor. every single time she was
with you she was forgetting something. her bra, her lipstick, her heart.

“are you happy?” you ask her as you empty the bottle. is
it your third or fourth, you don’t know. but you think you’re not drunk enough
to face this conversation with her. you stand up and go to the kitchen to get
yet another bottle. she’d be surprised how much alcohol you’ve got there. “is
he making you happy?”

“of course, what kind of question is that?” you shrug
because you don’t know what kind of question is that. you think it’s a simple
one because he’s either making her happy and she loves him or not. but you don’t
want to fight her so you take that
answer. “are you happy?”

you laugh bitterly, look her in the eyes and there it
is – a single tear coming down your cheek. you want to be embarrassed about it,
showing how vulnerable you are but you feel nothing. just a fucking emptiness.

“i’ve been happy once” you whisper and want to run
away as far as it’s possible because you don’t
want her to see you this way. “i fucked it up, though. she left me and i
can’t blame her for that. i’m a fucking loser and a failure and i don’t deserve
to be happy.”

now you see the tears in her eyes. you make her cry
even when you’re not together. saying you’re a loser is the lightest statement
you could make. you’re so pathetic, god damn you.

“don’t do that” she says and puts her palm on your
knee. you’re pretty sure you’re gonna burn soon. “you’ve made me happy, i loved
you and i will never forget it. what we had was fucking special. but we just
weren’t meant to be.”

you shake your head and take another sip of a cheap
wine. you look at her once again and fight the urge to kiss her. her lips look
so perfect in this light.

“that’s where you’re wrong, you know” you say as you
laugh quietly. “we are meant to be, this isn’t over. you can be married, you
can move to a fucking different continent and you know i’ll find you. i always
do, even if i’m not looking for you. you and i are going to meet again and
again and again and we’ll be driving each other crazy and we will do everything
to forget about ourselves but it’s not possible. because we’re meant to be. it’s
written in those fucking stars that i’m yours and you’re mine – forever. you
can go ahead and deny it as you wish, but you know it’s true.”

“you’ve got to move on” she whispers, her voice is
shaking and she’s crying. of course you’ve made her cry. could you hate
yourself even more? “i moved on, you can do that too. i’m sure you’re gonna
meet a nice girl and you’ll be happy…”

“oh, i’m sure I will” you interrupt her. “i will find
a very nice woman, we’re gonna be happy. we’ll get married maybe and have kids.
or two dogs. we may plant a garden together, who fucking knows? but as long as i
know you’re out there, i’m gonna keep running away from what i’ve got. i may be
the happiest man alive but i’ll still choose you. i’ll choose you over
anything.”

“please, stop…”

“i’ll stop now. i’ll let you get there on your own. and
once you get it, i may be lost and won’t accept you. and we’ll end up missing
each other for years. but i know that one day, maybe when we’re old and gray
and i’m ugly, we’re gonna end up together and that’ll be it. we’ll find each
other again. just so you know…”

you don’t let her say anything. you throw away the
empty bottles and you disappear in your trailer, leaving her at your stairs
alone and all in tears. you have your window open and you’re almost sure you
can hear her whisper “i can’t fucking wait for that” and you smile.

you sleep the whole night this time. because you’re
full of hopes. although it’s just a beginning of your journey, you know that in
years, decades maybe you’ll find her again and you’ll make her fall in love
with you again. and making her laugh will be your most important aim again.

you just have to wait…

at first you call your life pathetic but then again,
there’s always hope.