before her.

megsandroses:

thank you @justholdinghandsok
for checking it for me!

you think you’re in
love. that girl nancy, she is nice, you like spending time with her, she’s
funny and sexy as hell. you could spend all nights long fucking her. you don’t
talk much but it doesn’t matter. you’re not good with words, she works with her
body, not with her mouth… scratch that, she works great with her mouth but she
says only one word. it’s your name when she comes. your friends don’t mind her
but they don’t like when she hangs around. they find her irritating and boring
when she’s trying to put her hand in your pants when you’re all together in a
bar. she gets drunk very quickly but that works for you. she’s easier this way. you don’t have to talk, you can fuck all night and then she sleeps through
whole day and you get to enjoy the silence. it’s a perfect agreement between
you two and you think it’s love.

until she breaks up with
you.

that’s when you realize
you were in a relationship with no love involved. it doesn’t hurt the way it’s
supposed to, you’re not sad, you don’t drink yourself stupid, you’re not even
mad at her. you both end up in bed, to say goodbye in your favorite language. then she packs her things, kisses you goodbye and leaves with her older
brother, who’s always hated you. you wave them goodbye, sit at your desk and
write a new chapter to your book. she’s worth mentioning.

you think you’re in love
when you meet carole. she’s a little bit crazy and she talks a little bit too
much but you don’t mind. it’s a nice change to hear some words. nancy was only
moaning your name, and with carole you can discuss politics. not that she has
any idea about politics. but she’s against every rule in american law and that
fascinates you. she only agrees in bed with you. you find a perfect way to communicate
and yet again, your actions speak louder than words.

your friends accept her,
they like when she comes to the parties with you. she’s fun to be with, she
sings well and bakes delicious brownies. you’re kind of proud when your mother
says she’s okay. no matter how old you are, your mother’s opinion is always the
best. although she’s not that enthusiastic when you and carole visit her, she’s
still smiling at you two. that’s something, you think.

it’s amazing how well
women can lie. she looks into your eyes and swears she’s not fucking johnny and
you believe her because why would she ever lie to you? you saw the truth in her
pretty eyes and decided to screw it, you were happy and you wanted to trust
her. you think you’re in love with carole so why would you ruin this?

one day you come home
earlier than she thought and you see them together in your bed. you’ve never
heard anyone speaking so fast and dressing up the same time. she apologizes,
begs you to stay, cries her heart out. she promises you johnny doesn’t matter
and johnny’s still there, laying in your bed, not knowing what to do. so you
shrug and smile at them. you wish them well, grab your keys and walk out. you
call her later that day and tell her to pack her things. once again, you wish
her good luck with johnny and she calls you a son of a bitch for letting go of
her so quickly.

that’s when you realize
you weren’t in love with her. you let go so quickly and the very next day you don’t
remember her face.

you don’t mention her in
your book.

there’s another girl
that a name you don’t even remember. she’s nice but only until she says she’s married
and her husband is screwing her best friend. you don’t want to be a part of
this messed up situation so you fuck her one night and you let her sleep by
your side for a few days and then you tell her to go talk to her husband. she
sends you a christmas card and thanks you for fixing her marriage. you feel
kind of proud.

after cindy you decide
to stop. you need a break from women, they just drive you crazy. you focus on
your job and writing, you start acting and somehow you’re good. people want to
hire you, you go from one audition to another and you get roles and you make
your mother proud.

thanks to one movie you
meet vicky and you think you fall in love. she’s kind of perfect. she’s tall
and blonde, she makes every guy crazy. you’re so lucky, that’s what all of your
friends say. you feel the same, to be honest. she’s the most beautiful of all
the women you’ve ever been with. she makes you smile whenever she comes to your
apartment. you spend hours on talking, kissing, fucking. she makes you dinners
and you take her to the movies. you support each other on auditions. you
comfort each other when you don’t get the roles. it’s a perfect relationship,
you think. all of your friends love her and you think you may too.

she’s the one who tells
you to go to this audition. you’re not so sure about it, you want to be mature,
play in mature movies. you don’t find a show about aliens any kind of
interesting. you tell her that many times but she says that it can be fun. she
wants to go to the audition with you but you tell her not to. you don’t want to
work with her, it could ruin your perfect relationship.

vicky calls your agent
and tells her that you said yes. so you agree to go to that stupid audition. you practice and you just don’t feel it. the character is a weirdo, the scene
is not interesting, the show is lame. it’s going to be just pilot, no one’s
gonna buy that.

she drives you to the
studio and kisses you to make you feel better. you don’t but at least she
tried.

“you’re gonna be great.” she tells you and gives you an encouraging smile. you wanna say you know you’re
gonna be great but the show’s gonna suck but you bite your tongue. she really
believes in you and you think that after everything, you owe her that.

you get out of a car and
take a deep breathe. you can do this,
you whisper to yourself and step in to the studio. it’s pretty nice and there
are some people murmuring to themselves, repeating the lines you know
practically by heart.

you look around and you
see some pretty girls. they smile and wink at you and you chuckle. if only you
weren’t with vicky, you could easily find replacement for her. you could get
lost in one or another’s arms. you smile at them and sit on one of the plastic
chairs. you read the script once and twice and you get bored. you start walking
around the hallway again and focus on your plans after the audition.

one girl starts talking
to you at some point but she’s totally boring and you just smile and nod. you
start looking around the room once again and that’s when your heart stops
beating.

and then it starts
beating faster than ever.

and that’s when your
hands start trembling and sweating.

that’s when you see her.